It was three years later, 1996, when I started my first drafts of the book titled Split-Off (not a bout the split with my girlfriend since I was lightyears over it then, but about a psychopath with multiple personality). I have one chapter of an actual episode of Conan's Late Show that aired sometime 1998 or 2000, can't really remember. But it is one of my favorite episodes to date. You'll see why, but first let's have a look to this NBC's report.
NBC says it has reached a deal with "Tonight" host Conan O'Brien for his exit from the show, allowing Jay Leno to return to the late-night program he hosted for 17 years.
NBC made the announcement early Thursday that O'Brien will conclude his "Tonight" show run, seven months after O'Brien took the reins from Leno.
O'Brien landed the "Tonight" show after successfully hosting "Late Night," which airs an hour later, since 1993. But he quickly stumbled in the ratings race against his CBS rival, David Letterman.
Under Leno, the "Tonight" show was the ratings champ at 11:35 p.m. Eastern time, but he proved an instant flop with his experiment in prime time.
Here is the excerpt.
I went home. I was hooked on my favorite show Jay Leno and tuned in every night. I always watched the show with the lights off, candles lit, and sipping my chamomile tea accompanied with a white chocolate bar. I could describe Jay with two words: natural and spontaneous. I toasted Jay. I toasted the guests—even the clerk whose large, dark eyes kept in my mind.
Next was Late Night With Dike Face Coonaann OOO’Brieeen. Yugh! I hated his show. After Joel the announcer’s absurdly exaggerated faggoddy gay voice (sounding as if the old cunt had been just sodomized up the ass), Conan O’Brien, a lanky six-foot loping skeleton of creature, capered to the stage and, jigging up and down, back and forth, arms flailing clownlike, started his usual yakety yak.
Control yourself, you son of dike whore! Hope you got something better tonight, you-wanna-be-funny-monotonic-fawner-schnook.
Conan’s lady guest, also a DIKE-FACE, was running Mama Gina of Womanly Art School, teaching women the Art of Sensuality. The Dike-Face arrived, with her left hand waving a white fan in the air, she gave Conan a peck on the cheek and both sat down.
Virginia, began Conan. Thank you for coming back.
Obviously the Dike-Face had been once before on the show which I luckily had missed.
…just for people who don’t know, Conan dragged on his lanky hands moving up and down, Haven’t seen you on the show before, you teach…women…how to make themselves happy…howto…control their sensuality, howto control the world around them. Is that correct?.
Yeah, Dike-Face started sprightly, first gazing up spiriualistically with her hands open, as if she had been asked the same question over and over and answered it a thousand time and still untired of it, as if she herself was the very potent energizer of arousal and could spark and signal desire into any man (probably even into a gay man or forever spinster Conan) from miles away, then her whole face—eyes beaming and glowing, and her immense blowjob-mouth split wide open in a blithesome smile from ear to ear— brightened with pride, then she lowered her head, flashed out back to Conan and said in a precise, clear articulation so she could be understood easily, wanting the listeners to be attracted by what she was saying. Well, it’s sort of using the discipline of pleasure to have your way with the world.
Here we go. Conan, with an all-comprehended expression on his face, agreed in meaning, trying to enhance the moment. he says, Right,, hihh, I love discipline and pleasure right up together.
Flattered, now, Dike-Face got a fit of the giggles, making a dinning sound like a carillon, clasping her hands over her knee, sitting back, her face still beaming intently at Conan-Showoff-O’Brien.
Well, what would you say about men who are completely incapable of entering into and sustaining a genuine relationship with anyone?
Most men do not believe in themselves…and truly feel inferior—plagued by self doubt. Often confused by true act of kindness coming from women toward them. Their first reaction is typical, What does she really want from me? Does she want me because of money? Wants to marry me because she wants a baby?
Men are hung up completely on their penises in the same way women hung up on their tits
The Dike-Face’s blowjob lips spread in a sardonic grin that clearly said, Are we in trouble with our substandard size pecker, Conan?
…women are designed to accommodate all sizes. Big or small…
I imagined, with my eyes closed, ramming my cock into Dike Face’s cunt. I felt the walls of her cunt clenching, squeezing me hard, inviting me to go deeper…her cunt accomaditaing my cock. Accommodate this, you dike-face-insatiable whore, I muttered as I rammed into her, harder, faster.
By the time Conan O’Brien ended, I’d had drunk so much my blood turned to horse piss and what did I do next only slumped on the couch like a dead mutton.
Note: Please consider the contents of this excerpt as a form of art...and as Tupac raps: Freedom of speech, baby, freedom of speech.
The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night
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